Immeasurably More

      Earlier this month, September 12th, marked a giant celebration for our family. My husband, Gabe, celebrated four years of sobriety. Four years! Our life now seems so vastly different from where we started and it is amazing what God can do in a short amount of time. Just a little over four years ago, I was at the center of one of the darkest seasons of my life. Our first child, Eli, was about 4 months old when I made one of the most excruciating decisions of my life, to separate from Gabe which required me leaving my home in Chicago, my church, my job, and my friends to move back in with my parents in Mississippi. 

To give some background, about 6 months into our marriage Gabe came to me in the middle of the night and told me he thought he had a problem with alcohol. While I had begun to notice some excessive drinking, I wasn’t familiar with alcoholism and I had no idea what lay ahead. While we should have been enjoying the honeymoon stage, the first few years of our marriage were filled with fights, missed calls, sleepless nights, and out-patient rehab programs. On top of that, I became a Christian several months before we got married so I was new to church and in the process of making new friends. I remember showing up at my first ever women’s Bible study and awkwardly breaking down in tears as I shared with strangers what was going on in my life and how sad and scared I felt. Throughout this time, the enemy kept whispering in my ear that I deserved this. For a while, I believed that all of this was my punishment for blatantly walking away from Christianity as a teenager and for spending years doing all the things that gratified my flesh. I wondered if God had turned his back on me, and as a young 24 year old bride, I wondered if I would be in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. 

Through the first few years of my marriage, I continued to seek after the Lord and turn to mentors and women at the church who prayed for us and encouraged me. As a new believer, I prayed the Lord would bring Christian friends into my life and he did so in abundance. The truth about that season is while it was hard and lonely, the Lord gave me everything I needed along the way. Our son was born just before our third wedding anniversary and I prayed that the Lord would use this moment to help Gabe get sober. However, I did not know at the time that things would get much worse before they got better. Gabe’s addiction sadly escalated to the point where I could no longer depend on him and I knew that Eli and I needed to leave. During the two months I lived at home with my parents, we had very minimal contact. I kept expecting divorce papers in the mail and I wondered what my life would be like as a single mom. This was the desert season. A season where it really looked like my life was going to absolutely fall apart and yet, this was the very season where I grew the most in my faith and God showed up in unexpected ways.

Right before I moved home, I had done two Priscilla Shirer Bible studies, Discerning the Voice of God and The Armor of God. It was like the Lord was equipping me for battle and telling me how to listen to his voice. This was key because there were A LOT of voices in that season. I had sweet, well-meaning friends who told me ‘you deserve better’ among other things. It would have been so easy for me to take this is as truth and write Gabe off. But here’s the thing, we don’t deserve anything. I was not the perfect wife and while I agree that husbands and wives should treat each other kindly, I was also not entitled to a ‘perfect’ spouse. When we are the offended party, we must be VERY careful about the voices that we are listening to and discerning truth. If we are not careful, we can easily become prideful, arrogant, and angry. 

Instead, God kept repeating Psalm 46:10 over and over, “Be still and know that I am God.” To me in that season, that meant quit trying to fix it, quit responding to angry texts, quit defending yourself. Trust that God is working all things out. Be physically still (don’t fly back before I tell you to) and be still with your mouth. There are many, many wonderful lessons I learned in that season but most of all, I surrendered control. For years I tried to fix, manage, and control Gabe’s drinking and I finally let it go. I surrendered my marriage to the Lord and said that I would do whatever he asked, thy will be done. 

After 2 months of separation, Gabe completed a treatment program and had his last drink on September 11, 2016. While the road to rebuild our marriage was tough and required a lot of humility for both of us, we made it through by the grace of God. If you come to my house, I have a sign by my backdoor of Ephesians 3:20 which we have claimed as the verse for our marriage, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” I prayed for Gabe to just get sober. A sweet deacon at my church prayed over me and had a vision for all of the things that Gabe would go on to do. She prayed for the man that Gabe would become. I could only think of sobriety but if you know Gabe now, you know that God did immeasurably more in his life. Today, the man I am married to is truly the man of my dreams. He loves the Lord and leads our family oh so well. He is patient, kind, trustworthy and full of joy because of the radical change the Lord made in his life.

You may be reading this in the midst of one of the most painful seasons of your life. Maybe your marriage is falling apart, a diagnosis just came in, maybe you and your child have a strained relationship, or maybe you’ve just lost a loved one. I am so sorry for your pain. But friend, know that the Lord is working in your life (Romans 8:28) and that even if your situation is not resolved on this side of eternity, we have a living hope. As believers, we are promised an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade (1 Peter 1:4). Our suffering here is temporary and for a season. There will come a day when there will be no more tears, death, or pain (Revelation 21:4). We have a hopeful future to look forward to. But here in the now, I would encourage you to share with someone. There were days when I felt defeated and it was the gracious act of my believing sisters who lifted me out of despair and reminded me of the hope I had. God graciously gives us community here on earth to lift each other up. And finally, when you are out of the desert, I pray you would see how God carried you through and share it with someone else. It is a blessing and encouragement to see God working in other’s lives because we can believe that he will do it for us too. 

The Lotus Flower

Any yoga fans here? I started taking yoga classes in high school and fell in love with the practice. I have zero hand-eye coordination and I was a little tall, lanky, and sadly not the most athletic but I was decently flexible. While in high school I didn’t excel in sports, I found a yoga class at my gym and since I was about 20 years younger than the rest of the yogis in class, I was able to get into some positions that they struggled with and VOILA! I was hooked. Throughout the years I have been to many different studios and practiced all types of yoga with all kinds of instructors. I have found that some take the ‘spiritual’ component of yoga very seriously and may incorporate chanting, mantras or what I call a ‘yogi opener’ which is a small story that should encourage you throughout your practice. Some instructors are there to give you a more challenging workout (my preference) but sometimes you just don’t know what you’re going to get.

Last week, I took a flow class at my gym and the instructor started with a yogi opener. She described the journey of the lotus flower which I was unfamiliar with. Apparently, these seeds are at the bottom of a muddy, murky pond and they sprout and must come up through the mud to get to the top of the pond where they become a beautiful flower. She then began to say that we too are like the lotus flower. We go through all kinds of struggles and opposition in life and if we can just push through them, we will become our most beautiful selves and experience wholeness and beauty.  Ok, maybe you are thinking this is very ‘woo-wooish’ but 10 years ago, I would have been ALL IN to this analogy. Yoga incorporates a lot of this thinking – which is why they hold uncomfortable positions and learn to breathe through them so that a few classes later, maybe that same pose won’t be as challenging. There is some truth to this thought, right? This practice was very helpful to me in labor. Learning to breathe and relax through contractions is a great skill to have during childbirth. And the 10 year ago me would have totally bought into this, “Yes! Going through difficult things gives me purpose, thank you for that encouragement Yogi gal. I got this! Just need to get through this rough patch.” But the me today was secretly laughing in my head. Because this idea is just a half truth and really there isn’t much hope for someone apart from the gospel. Let’s walk this out…

The reason why people fall into this thinking is because it is close to the gospel truth, but sadly misses the mark. Scripture clearly tells us as believers that we will have trouble in this world. After all, we live in a fallen world where sin and evil run rampant. You don’t have to look far to see that the world is not how it should be (Coronavirus anyone?!). As believers, Jesus tells us, “in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Jesus very clearly told his disciples to expect hardships and that like him, they too would suffer. Peter writing to 1st century Christians who were being persecuted encourages them by reminding them of the purpose of their troubles. After reminding them of their future salvation and hope, he then reminds of their reality on earth. “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proves genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1 Peter 1: 6-7). Here friends is the truth. Your suffering here on earth does have purpose as a believer. It refines us. It tests and proves our faith. It makes our faith stronger! And for what purpose? So that in the future, when we are reunited with Christ, it will result in praise, glory, and honor! It is not wasted. There are several reasons for our suffering, whether we are being disciplined, tested, or just living in the reality of a fallen world. This world is FULL of disappointment, pain and heartbreak. There is a saying that if you haven’t experienced pain and hardship yet, you just haven’t lived long enough. It is coming, Jesus said it would. But as believers, we can rest assured now that it is refining us and making our faith stronger. It has purpose and is never wasted. And one day, we will be reunited in heaven with our Lord where “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” (Revelation 21:4). That is our hope. That is what we can look forward to after the struggles.

As for the lotus flower? Apart from the gospel, there is no hope. For what is the point of suffering here if in the end you do not believe in Jesus and have no promise of eternity with him? Maybe you do grow stronger here on this earth with each hardship, but sadly no lotus will reach its fullness, its most beautiful self or potential on earth. For here on earth, nothing is perfect or as it should be. We can strive and strain but apart from the gospel, there is no hope.

These are the thoughts that filled my head as she was describing the lotus flower. Yes, it’s a beautiful imagery but sadly it is a pretty little lie. Next time you hear something similar, see if you can point out what is missing and how the gospel brings the full truth. Maybe you’ll even have an opportunity to share it with a fellow yogi.

Why Truth Matters

Bad theology hurts people. I have heard this statement many times over the last year as I have started to dig deep into theology and apologetics. At first it seemed a little exaggerated to me. Ok sure, bad theology may bend the truth but shouldn’t we just be able to discern what the truth is and ignore the lie? This is the philosophy I have lived by for a good portion of my adult life. You can have your truth and I will have mine. After all, I know what the real truth is. Surely I am wise enough to just disregard the falsehoods you may claim and take what is good and move on. And this my friend is where the enemy is so deceiving. There were many books, podcasts, movies, shows, and even devotionals I continued to take in and just ‘tune out’ the falsehoods. But here is what I have come to learn, when we don’t have sound theology, when we begin to cherry pick scripture, or disregard parts of the Bible that we don’t like, our view gets entirely warped and the sad part is we are often unaware it is happening. Because here is where the enemy is tricky friend, he is described as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14). That means that he is sneaky, he isn’t trying to convince you to believe something that is obviously false like soy ice cream is as good as regular, creamy ice cream (don’t come at me dairy-free people). He is trying to convince you of something much, much more subtle. Because if he can get you to turn just 1 degree away from the truth, then just 1 degree more isn’t all that hard. He is sneaky, deceptive and the father of lies (John 8:44). And guess what the father of lies is good at?  LYING! See, you got it! This isn’t his first rodeo and he has a strategy, one pretty little lie at a time.

So what is the best way to combat the lies? I believe you first need to call them out. When someone is laying out a truth claim, examine it. Is what they are saying actually true? How do you know? We take it to scripture and dissect it. The world is constantly changing and full of new ideas and many of them seem great on the surface. But we ultimately know that scripture is sound. Scripture is our anchor, it is always true because God does not lie or change his mind (Numbers 23:19, Isaiah 40:8). So that is my aim in this blog. To call out the lies that we are being fed, examine them and see if they are true, and then most importantly to point back to what the truth actually is. There was a time when I couldn’t do that, I was searching and did not know the truth. Maybe you are in that place too. Yet God in his faithfulness reveals to us when we are searching. And when you begin to really know the truth, the lies become easier to spot. That is my hope for you dear sister or brother, that by becoming more equipped with what the Bible says, you will be quick to point out the lies so that you don’t get entangled with falsehood and so you can have a clear view of who God actually is. And here is what I have come to find, He is 100% good.